Ian Harte "raging" over Kerry Katona statue in Drogheda

Drogheda Borough Council passed a motion this week to erect a statue to one of the town’s famous daughters – Kerry Katona. Local mouthpiece and Councillor Frank Godfrey defended the decision to erect the statue when faced with criticism that Ms. Katona was not actually from Drogheda.

“Contrary to popular belief,” said Godfrey, “there is no evidence to state that Kerry is from Drogheda, but also, there is no evidence to say that she is not. I met her once when she was staying in a caravan in Clogherhead which proves she has local roots.”

A leaked memo from the Useless Monument Committee has shown that the Katona statue is being placed on the banks of the Boyne alongside Socks Byrne in order to use money that was granted to them by the Council which will be redeemed if not used by a certain date.

Local Carlisle Utd. and Ireland international soccer player Ian Harte is the only remotely well-known figure from Drogheda to not have had a ridiculous amount of money spent on constructing an unnecessary statue of him and he is said to be “absolutely fucking sick” over it.

“I don’t know why they won’t put up a statue of me, I did loads for the town,” Harte said. Mr. Godfrey said in his defence that the people of Drogheda were still as “bitter as cats piss” over Harte’s disastrous performance in the 2002 World Cup which he blamed on having sore toes and that if there was going to be a frivolous waste of money on any statue “it certainly wouldn’t be of Ian fucking Harte”.

Angelina Jolie expands collection of foreign children and adopts Drogheda child

Angelina Jolie has decided to put Drogheda on the map by buying a child from the town with her equally rich husband Brad Pitt. Child-collecting has become a regular hobby for the idle-rich and famous of late but unlike fellow child-collector Gary Glitter, Jolie has been allowed to take hers home.
The 4 year old adopted Drogheda boy John-Paul Jolie-Pitt will be referred to in international media as “JPJP” and like the other members of her adoptive brood was not an orphan. He was found out playing on the street in an unnamed housing estate on the south side of the town that Angelina was touring as part of a UN mission in the area.

“He was so cute,” she said, “I knew the minute I saw him that I just had to take him home. There he was playing in the dirt, amusing himself, with the snots running out of him like a pair of church candles and I knew I just had to take him home and give him a better life. So I leapt out of my armoured vehicle even though the officer in charge told me not to, and ran to him. I had to re-enact some of my moves from Tomb-Raider and fight members of the RFC that were standing round comparing knives at the time. Then I offered JPJP’s parents a few quid and a bag of weed that I brought back from Ethiopia from the last time I went shopping for a child and that was it – a done deal. Obviously I’ll get a full refund if he’s genetically programmed to steal cars.”
When asked by a local person why she felt compelled to buy children rather than have her own, “To be perfectly honest with you, my fanny would be in fucking bits if I gave birth to that many children. Seriously, it’d be like throwing a saussie up the Boyne,” she laughed.

Swine Flu outbreak in Drogheda....

And this man is to blame.

Fresh from their success in the recent local elections over the weekend, The Labour Party was rocked by scandal after news emerged that Drogheda Councillor Paul Bell was the sole cause of an outbreak of Swine Flu in the town.

A source close to the councillor said that Cllr. Paul Bell had contracted the disease after eating 158 hotdogs in one sitting at a recent Drogheda Arts Fair. “I told him not to do it,” said the source, “everyone knows that hotdogs are made from lips and assholes, but he wouldn’t hear tell of it. Once he ate the first two dozen, there was no stopping him. He was on the pig’s back then”. It is believed that the source did not have the intelligence to realise that he was making such an awful pun at the time.

The case of swine flu was isolated to Ballsgrove after a group of paranoid and deranged locals built a wall made from discarded washing machines and shopping trolleys around the local housing estate.

One local who did not want to be named for fear of reprisals from angry Bell-ites said, “You never think that something like this is going to happen idin deh towen. I was shocked. We’ve stockpiled all our drugs in case we get walled in too.” When the local was asked if he had received these drugs from the Department of Health, he stated that they were not in fact anti-swine flu medicines, but 8 kilos of Moroccan Black that he robbed from a walled-in dealer in Ballsgrove and that would tide him over until the infection dies down and the walls can be removed.

Tommy Byrne trades politics for stage saying "It's what Jade would have wanted".

Those grape vines came up trumps again and just informed Huff Towers that Thomas Byrne has finally been rejected by the people of Drogheda Borough Council and hot-footed it out of the Count Centre before the various politicos had a whiff of a chance to revel in his misery....

Just afterwards though as hoardes of simpletons gathered around Easons to buy Jade Goody’s hastily thrown-together memoir or “death-diary” as her husband Jack Tweed called it, the local politician and estate agent Tommy Byrne announced on West Street that he had “had enough of politics” and was exchanging monthly bitching sessions in the Council chambers for a career on the stage starring as PR Guru and genuine prick Max Clifford in the musical of the late Jade Goody’s life.

“Although I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my years in the Council and knowing everyone’s business, it is time for a change. And there are only so many times you can get fucked in the hole by Fianna Fail and still enjoy it. Basically, as an estate agent I’ve made a living out people being exploited in the housing market - now that the arse has fallen out of that, I think I can bring that experience elsewhere. Max Clifford is a parasite and makes a living out of exploiting people. I could bring a lot to that role,” Byrne said.

The musical, titled “Jade Goody – Real Life Cash Cow” will be shown in the Arts Centre from the beginning of August.

Yes, we're watching you.....

The grapes on the vine have been very busy today....they tell me that although the Borough Council hasn’t even been elected yet, a pact has already been discussed by Fine Gael, Labour and Fianna Fail. With Ken O’Heiligh (who by the by is apparently having a crisis of identity at the moment and can’t decide whether he’s an “Independent Republican” or a “Blueshirt” these days) possibly being thrown into the mix now for a pact as well!!

I bet you're glad to see us......

Have you ever wished you could enter a world where you dropped three stone, lost five to ten years from your age and became that witty and popular person that you always knew you were meant to be?

Well my little poppets now you can, because THE HUFF CHRONICLE IS BACK. And thanks to a handy little comment facility you can leave your views here too. We know you’ll post comments pretending to be other people but as we at the Huff always say “fuck it, we’ve been doing that ourselves for years anyway”. Please feel free to air your views here. Mi casa, su casa!

Anyway, we at Huff Towers were a little sad that we didn’t have time to get back to our roots and do our nifty little free publication that offended so many people during the 2004 Local Elections and we would love to say that we didn’t do it this time around because we wanted to save trees etc. But the simple truth is, we were too lazy.

So for those of you who are new friends, you might be wondering who or what The Huff Chronicle is at this stage.....

For a few months back in 2004, The Huff Chronicle was the shining light of media in Drogheda. Attracting awe and attention from all quarters, with our cheap controversy, lame jokes, and mistakes on every page, we quickly earned the respect of the town.

As well as plenty of cutting edge articles about the worst elements of Irish society and stuff that had been blatantly ripped off from other people’s shit attempts at journalism, the Chronicle aimed to inform and entertain people of Drogheda. Now that time and technology has moved on we at the Huff felt it was time for us to move on too......and now we promise to plague those in the town that have dogshit where brains should be on the internets.

So now we’re a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and unfortunately for those who have just been elected (or in the process of being elected) – not one iota more mature.....

Remember:
WE ARE WATCHING YOU.
ps. And never forget – it’s satire, stupid.