Ian Harte "raging" over Kerry Katona statue in Drogheda

Drogheda Borough Council passed a motion this week to erect a statue to one of the town’s famous daughters – Kerry Katona. Local mouthpiece and Councillor Frank Godfrey defended the decision to erect the statue when faced with criticism that Ms. Katona was not actually from Drogheda.

“Contrary to popular belief,” said Godfrey, “there is no evidence to state that Kerry is from Drogheda, but also, there is no evidence to say that she is not. I met her once when she was staying in a caravan in Clogherhead which proves she has local roots.”

A leaked memo from the Useless Monument Committee has shown that the Katona statue is being placed on the banks of the Boyne alongside Socks Byrne in order to use money that was granted to them by the Council which will be redeemed if not used by a certain date.

Local Carlisle Utd. and Ireland international soccer player Ian Harte is the only remotely well-known figure from Drogheda to not have had a ridiculous amount of money spent on constructing an unnecessary statue of him and he is said to be “absolutely fucking sick” over it.

“I don’t know why they won’t put up a statue of me, I did loads for the town,” Harte said. Mr. Godfrey said in his defence that the people of Drogheda were still as “bitter as cats piss” over Harte’s disastrous performance in the 2002 World Cup which he blamed on having sore toes and that if there was going to be a frivolous waste of money on any statue “it certainly wouldn’t be of Ian fucking Harte”.

Angelina Jolie expands collection of foreign children and adopts Drogheda child

Angelina Jolie has decided to put Drogheda on the map by buying a child from the town with her equally rich husband Brad Pitt. Child-collecting has become a regular hobby for the idle-rich and famous of late but unlike fellow child-collector Gary Glitter, Jolie has been allowed to take hers home.
The 4 year old adopted Drogheda boy John-Paul Jolie-Pitt will be referred to in international media as “JPJP” and like the other members of her adoptive brood was not an orphan. He was found out playing on the street in an unnamed housing estate on the south side of the town that Angelina was touring as part of a UN mission in the area.

“He was so cute,” she said, “I knew the minute I saw him that I just had to take him home. There he was playing in the dirt, amusing himself, with the snots running out of him like a pair of church candles and I knew I just had to take him home and give him a better life. So I leapt out of my armoured vehicle even though the officer in charge told me not to, and ran to him. I had to re-enact some of my moves from Tomb-Raider and fight members of the RFC that were standing round comparing knives at the time. Then I offered JPJP’s parents a few quid and a bag of weed that I brought back from Ethiopia from the last time I went shopping for a child and that was it – a done deal. Obviously I’ll get a full refund if he’s genetically programmed to steal cars.”
When asked by a local person why she felt compelled to buy children rather than have her own, “To be perfectly honest with you, my fanny would be in fucking bits if I gave birth to that many children. Seriously, it’d be like throwing a saussie up the Boyne,” she laughed.